hello my sweet,
it’s been awhile hasn’t it? i’m so glad to see your face again.
the first time i ever struggled with letting someone go, was one of the most painful, and insecure periods of my life. i couldn’t figure it out, maybe because i was blinded by my vulnerability - or my naivety. to simplify it; it sucked. big time. i still think about this person to this day, the impact they had on my life and how quickly they vanished. re-evaluating the event now, maybe it was because i was mourning someone that was still living, but just not in my life, in their own. this sounds selfish to begin with, but i think the whole idea of letting go is transforming selfishness into altruism, in a way. i’m not entirely sure that’s right though.
more recently, i struggled with grieving my grandparents (in the early stages i published one of my poems, titled ‘grief’ on my substack.) and now, i’ve had terrible news about my beloved dog. unfortunately, nothing is immortal. you can wish upon millions of shooting stars and blow kisses at dandelion heads, but nothing will change fate and inevitability. the best you can do is prepare, my friend. but even then, how do you prepare to let go? what is letting go? when is the phrase appropriate?
i’m still trying to figure out the answers to all these questions, but having lost many of my loved ones either to death or disappearance - i feel like i’m slightly more equipped to tackle the subject for you. and for myself, because i don’t know how i’m going to cope with losing my furry friend. however, as an expertise in losing as many family members in the shortest time span as possible, i feel i’m slightly more qualified to speak and share my thoughts with you on this topic. i’ll be as gentle as i can be.
i dealt with grieving my grandparents by swimming. the way a body of water will hold you so tenderly in a warm embrace, and still allow you to pass through as you please. they used to tell me i was a fish, or a mermaid, because i spent all my time in the pool when i was younger. this carried with me, and will, for a very long time. every time i’m greeted by a body of water i think of them, and their embraces. what i’m trying to say is sometimes it’s the little memories and associations we need to hold onto, or let go of - whichever applies. with my dog it’ll be a copious amounts of things, he was with me through every day and every stage of my life. i’ll remember him on the walk outside of our house, in toast, in his favourite chicken toy. these things feel like a pull in the right direction, but i suppose there is no right direction when dealing with grief.
as i’m currently righting this part, it’s 03:38am and i just said goodbye to my dog. my life feels very upside down right now, almost like i’m transitioning from my sweetener era into my thank you, next. this won’t make much sense unless you’re a raging ariana grande fan, like i am. but let me have this, okay?
i felt like i was stuck in this obsessive healing from trauma phase, but these past few months have thrown a lot at me. i still have a lot to learn, and go through apparently. my thank you, next era is upon me - having the best and worst year of my life. i lost my grandparents, my dog, all whilst juggling a part-time-but-full-time-hours job, preparing for a show with loreal, and entering britain’s opening for the world’s biggest beauty pageant. all of which is way out of my comfort zone. and all of this has only happened within the span of four months, thanks a bunch 2022.
the way i’m coping is with these small memories. i look back in my camera roll and see happier times surrounded by my dog and grandparents - and look forward to recognising those feelings once again. i still hold the sadness knowing they’re gone, but what i take away is much more powerful than i’ll allow grief to steal from me.
that, i absolutely refuse to let go of.
as always, take care.
yours,
libby griffiths
my thoughts are with you and the family xx